I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
