There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
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