Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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