yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
