I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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