And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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