She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Hippo gnu deer
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
