i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
