I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
