we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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