of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
