Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
