Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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