I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
