If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
