She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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