I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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