he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
