I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
