You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
