I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
