I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
