My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
