Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
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