So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
i think im in europe. pls send help
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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