Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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