Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
