Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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