I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
