Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
