Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
