i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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