the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
