hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
