Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
