i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
