so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
i out mim tonsoeep
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