Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Randomize
