I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
