I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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