Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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