Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i just had sex bonerless
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
