i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Small penises have feelings too.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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