i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
