dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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