hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
