so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
