I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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