Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
