She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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